Strong arms to steady him

“The spirit of a boy is too great for just a family to contain, and his horizons are wider than a family can provide for. By mid-teens, a boy wants to leap into his future – but there must be a place for him to leap to, and strong arms to steady him. This means building community links in order to help boys. In many ways, the women’s movement has dehumanized men, reduced them to stereotypical two-dimensional caricatures. If we want good men for the future, we must start with the boys." (Steve Biddulph, Raising Boys)

Another noteworthy day of dichotomous extremes for me in Cairo yesterday. It started with an interesting conversation with a taxi driver who randomly asked me if I got hassled a lot as a foreign woman in Cairo.

I had to laugh, and told him that this phenomenon is not exclusive to Cairo. Go to any city in the world and you’ll find a carbon copy of the same thing. That I actually feel safer in Cairo than any other city in the world that I’ve lived in or visited.

I told him that yes, sometimes I get hassled, but over the years you develop some sense of how to avoid it, such as wearing dark sunglasses, not catching people’s eye, not being too friendly (how sad is that?), looking like you have a destination to get to. He told me that men like to look at women, that it’s hard not to if they’re right in front of you, that it’s human nature, but that it becomes a problem when it goes beyond an automatic glance when someone or something inadvertently enters your field of vision. And he’s right. It is human nature, and women look at men just as men look at women. Just as one would glance at anything interesting or attractive or unusual that they come across. Unless people walk around with blindfolds on, it’s kind of hard to avoid. But as he said, a look and a leer are two entirely different things.

Later in the day, I took a stroll down the street with my kids to celebrate Egypt’s nail-biting victory in the African Cup. They wanted to wave flags and shout “Masr!” (Egypt) at the top of their lungs. So we bought flags, waved them, felt the excitement, said “mabrook” (congratulations) to a few people and then headed home. Crossing the street, we passed by a group of mostly teenage boys, a few older, and they slapped the kids’ hands happily. It was all fine until one of them grabbed me and I swung around and shouted, but there was no way of knowing which one of them it was. I snatched the kids’ hands and kept walking, with one or two of the group saying to me, “We’re sorry, we’re really sorry” and “Who did that? Who touched her?” I guess in the end it doesn’t matter—it generally only takes one person to brand a group. I got home, incensed, infuriated, ropeable. But appreciative of those who had stood up for me and apologized.

And I thought, That’s going to be my boys. They’re going to be among the ones who protect women and show them respect and know right from wrong. The ones who don’t follow the pack mentality and think that disrespecting any women is okay. Because the people in their lives will make sure of it.

Some fortunate boys learn through osmosis, from being around good men who treat women as they should be treated. Some are just lucky to be born with an ingrained sense of what is right. But either way, boys need to be taught right from wrong when it comes to how to treat people, especially girls and women. Parents, and anyone else who is around boys, need to take every opportunity to reinforce this and bolster boys’ integrity and self-pride so they don’t feel the urge to verbally or physically take their frustrations out on the first unsuspecting female who crosses their path.

Boys the world over have, in many ways, been kind of overlooked. They are often expected to be ‘men’ too early, before they are ready for it, and when they are ready for it, they don’t know how; they are often conditioned to repress their emotions, to hold back their tears when they feel sad. But little boys are just as delicate a creature as little girls, and they need just as much nurturing.

It can be a fine line between growing into a good man and growing into one of the others, and all boys walk this tightrope. There are lots of good men out there, and they are what little boys need as role models and mentors to make sure they become one of the good ones.