Start with the boys

“If we want good men for the future, we must start with the boys.” Steve Biddulph

When I read this quote, a few anecdotes come to mind, two from Australia and two from Egypt:

Australia
1. A few days ago I had a conversation with a couple of young Australian guys who’d had an ephemeral brush with the Arabic language. “I went out with a Lebanese girl for two years in high school, so I know some Arabic,” one of them told me. “She was a sharmoota,” he finished, laughing at his own cleverness. “Then why did you date her?” I asked him. He just shrugged and laughed again. “I guess she was nice.” After two years of dating an Arab girl, was that all he had brought away from the experience? That she was a nice slut? Charming. He threw the word around like he was handing out candy, talking about his ex-girlfriend like she was a street tramp, in a bizarre attempt to impress a stranger. I doubt she would have laughed it off if she’d known what he was saying about her.

2. My 6-year-old little boy came home from school recently and asked me what a bitch was, “Because one of the boys in my class called one of the girls a bitch.” I asked him what he thought it meant, and he didn’t really know, but took a guess: “Does it mean she’s a bit silly?”
“It’s much worse than that,” I told him, wondering how one simply explains the concept of ‘disrespect’ to a 6-year-old. “It’s very rude. It means she’s dirty on the inside and it’s a really bad thing to say. You should never say that to any girl, even if you don’t like her.”
He looked at me solemnly. “She’s actually very kind so he shouldn’t have called her that.”

Egypt
3. It was early afternoon and I was at a friend’s place in Cairo, sitting in the living room with her teenage son while she was busy at the other end of the house. My friend had cooked a meal, which the rest of us had already eaten, and the rest of the food was still on the stove. Her teenager had just woken up and was lounging on the couch channel surfing. Apart from the low hum coming from the TV, the house was quiet and still. Then the teenager’s voice, strident and demanding, cut through the stillness: “Mama!! Aiz akol!!” He wanted to eat. There was no please. And this was not a request. It was more of a command. Bring me my food. Having known this sweet, polite teenager since he was a little boy, I was appalled. “What is this?” I asked him. “Your mother is busy at the back of the house. You have two legs; go and get your own food.” He looked sheepish and stood up to go and serve himself, but didn’t make it out of the living room before his mother came hurrying in with a plate of food for him.

4. A couple of months ago I was at my friend’s business in Cairo. One of the female employees had brought her 2-year-old son to work with her. He was a very cute little thing who didn’t speak very much. Until he decided he wanted to leave, at which point he made his voice heard. “Yalla Mama!” (Let’s go) he shouted at her, standing at the door, his little hands on his hips. When she didn’t leave immediately with him, he screamed at her aggressively. “Yalla mama!!!” She quickly moved to leave, until my friend said to her: “Don’t let him speak to you like that. You have to stop him doing that now, or he’ll never respect you. ” And to him: “Don’t speak to your mother like that in front of me.”

Why are young men calling their nice ex-girlfriends sluts for an easy laugh?
Why are first graders calling their classmates bitches?
Why are teenagers speaking to their mothers as though they’re the hired help? (and the hired help shouldn't be spoken to in that way either)
Why are 2-year-olds ordering their mothers around?

Maybe because they hear other men in their life saying these things.
Or because nobody tells them it’s wrong.
Or because they’re angry about something.
Or because they get a pay-off, whether it’s a plate of food in front of them, or extra attention, or a feeling of power.
Whatever the reason, none of these things are right, and none of them are exclusive to any culture.

Steve Biddulph is right. If we want good men, we have to start with the boys — whether we’re their parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, teachers, neighbours, or corner store owners.